I used to have a motto that I lived by when times were tough: “I’m the one who loves me, and I take care of me.”
Obviously, this is overly self reliant and does not focus on trusting in God or using God’s help to accomplish anything, but there is a good nugget in there. If I love myself and take care of myself, I will have a better chance of survival. I know what I need more than anybody else. I can love myself better than anybody else. If I love myself and take care of myself, then I am doubly cared for and sooner ready to tackle whatever God has for me to do. As opposed to feeling like I suck and neglecting myself in an effort to pay back my sucky-ness which only leaves me drained and in further need of repair.
So let’s change this motto to:
“Because God loves me, I love me, and I take care of me.”
You just do the best you know how to do. Sometimes it is good enough, sometimes it is not, but at least you gave it your best.
I spent several hours setting up a skype setup with IT today for Mr. Kielhorn’s last class. It was all I could do to keep from crying while I was sitting there changing transparencies for him as he struggled through his lecture from the ICU. I feel so unbelievably bad for him and his family. Man today was rough. I feel numb and ultra-sensitive at the same time. Talking with his daughter and grandaughter while they tried to be strong in front of people. All those jokes people make when people are dying. Lighthearted jokes that everybody laughs at. They aren’t really funny, but everybody laughs because they have to let some emotion out and they don’t want to cry. My heart feels like it is made out of lead. This is all too familiar, too close, and I hate it.
Tanner and Hannah live on $700 a month, and that includes paying rent, utilities, $100 for groceries, also cell phone, and car maintenance, and birth control, plus some going into savings. Yet they are nowhere near poor. They are just efficient. I feel more poor than them, and I bring in an extra $500 a month. They could make more, but they would rather have the time with eachother and with other people than the money. I gotta take some budgeting tips from them.
I did a lot of thinking on the drive, and I guess I wouldn’t feel like I needed to work such long hours if I didn’t spend so much.If I lived cheaper, then I wouldn’t feel like I needed to take on so many hours of extra work every week. Then you wouldn’t feel like my job was consuming my life, and I wouldn’t either. Hmm… This will require more thinking.
I spent the night at the house last night. It was lovely, as usual, but not as much as when you are there. I went for a walk in the dark and prayed and it was really peaceful. This morning, I woke up when it was light out which was a couple of minutes before my alarm, so I laid there and listened to the rain on the tin roof. I helped Martin load the cattle, and the horses were even bigger pains in the butt than usual. They better be happy they are in the USA where it is illegal to eat horse meat, cause otherwise they’d be walking on thin ice. The limping battery in my car finally gave out, so I had to push it to start it. Thank God for manual transmissions. I bought a new one and everything is just peachy now. I can’t believe that I haven’t had to fill up with gas yet. Kinda nice. At work, I was working on the laser welder. There was a problem with the cooling system so I filled it with water only to find out that it leaks like crazy. And the pump is bad, so I guess I will be fixing that tomorrow. Complicated technology. Annoying, but Dr. Adonyi told everybody in the class the department was lucky to have people like me and Martin because almost everything in the lab works. He’s pretty pleased, and I’m glad for that. I feel like I am really starting to fall into this job and know what I am doing. It’s nice. Martin said today that he hoped we were still living on his place in 20 years. He likes how much I help out around the place. Rent is paid off till 2012. Cool. I found a new Mexican place I want to take you next time you are in the mood for Mexican food. Tonight I am staying at the house again. I love it there. But I miss you being with me. I can hardly wait till we are through this enough to pursue His will together again.
God, right now, I feel pure and clean and whole but not full. I miss Millie. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for not taking care of myself. I’m sorry for the warped perspective. I’m sorry for being distracted by things that don’t matter. Thank You for setting me straight. Thank You for being that pure source where I can dive into to be cleansed and refreshed. I know You want me. Forgive me for paying more attention to what I think I want than to what You want. I am Yours. I don’t want to be anything else. Thank You for always taking me back. I love You.
God, I’m sorry. Please take me back. I am sick of being far from You. I’m sick of searching for fulfillment in the wrong places. I want to be where I was, with You. So this is it. I’m diving headlong into You knowing You will catch me. God, thank You for sending people my way with encouraging words when I feel like I’m at the bottom of all there is. Thank You for providing hope. Thank You for loving me in spite of the million ways I fail You each day. Thanks for always waiting there with Your arms outstretched. I’m no good for anybody in my default state. You are the only good in me, and I want more of You. So here I am presenting you my screwed up, stinking, wretched, half dead self. Wash the grime away and nurse me back to health. I want to fight in Your army again. I am Yours. I am so thirsty for You that I am dizzy. Fill me up. I am Yours. I want You more than anything else.
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