Yay for extra pillows?

You. I don’t get it. I thought I was so much further along than this. I probably am. Maybe I am deceiving myself. All these old feelings keep resurfacing. All these old fears. At the time, they were very real, but now I feel them just as strong, but I don’t know whether or not they are rational. I hurt inside. My heart hurts. All these wounds that I ignored and allowed to heal shut improperly. And now they are being torn open it seems faster than I have the ability to handle it without breaking down sometimes. Now is one of those times. I need reassurance. Every time I needed reassurance, you didn’t offer it. I felt like I was walking on thin ice and not knowing whether the next step would be my last. Thanks for that. I risked so much, and I got burnt so bad. Thanks for that. I hurt because of it all. I can push it aside or ignore it, but it always comes back. I can’t get away from this gift of pain you gave me. Sometimes, I dream about wanting you, just wanting time to spend with you. That was fine for you when you needed me. But when you were doing good, when you were entertained, that’s when I got to take care of myself. But what about the times I needed you? You were only there for me when you needed me. I hate this. I hate that there are so many things that were wrong that I let myself suffer through. I should have just thrown in the towel early on. Maybe I would be a more whole person now. I explained it the other night. I invited you into my house, you wrecked the place and now, I am constantly finding another hole in the wall that I didn’t know was there or another broken window or stain on the carpet or broken piece of furniture. I am ashamed to be this way. All I wanted was for you to love me back. I am torn up inside. If you knew how hard I had to try to smile today so that nobody would see what was going on inside, you would be proud of yourself. You would feel satisfied. I just need to cry. You win. I just can’t keep carrying this any longer. I keep finding so many old wounds in parts of my heart that I had forgotten existed. Every day, I find more and more. Normal, everyday things make me see more and more of what’s wrong with me. I feel like I have to be strong all the time so that people feel safe coming to me. But sometimes all I want is to cry and have somebody hold me and tell me it will be ok. I know it will. It hasn’t killed me yet. Sometimes I feel like I just want to throw something or smash something. I have all this pain trapped inside that feels like it can’t get out, so it is just ripping up whatever it can get ahold of in its attempt to escape. I say that I forgive you, but it’s times like now when I feel like a bad Christian because I take up the grudge I have against you once again. All those times I reached out to you for comfort, and you gave me pain. I finally learned. But now, it carries on to my other relationships. I am AFRAID to reach out for comfort! I never do. I don’t even know when it is appropriate! I feel so vulnerable, and I hate making a scene. I hurt so much inside right now, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t stop these stupid tears from streaming down my face. I can’t stop feeling hot in my face or having my shoulders shake. I hate it, and I want out, and I want to be free and just have my heart be right again. I know God will finish fixing it someday. But right now, I really just need a hug. I’m glad I have an extra pillow. Maybe I’ll feel better when I wake up. I hope so, cause this stinks.

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