The torture chair

Ok, so I definitely just spent a long time hiding in chair to scare Michelle when she came around the corner. Crunched up in a corner, my leg fell asleep almost instantly and my back was getting stiff. I gave up and got out of the chair like 30 seconds before she came around the corner. I was torturing myself, and I couldn’t take it any longer. That minute and a half that I was hiding and waiting seemed like an eternity, and I had to move. Time seems to drag by when things stink. I remember the semester after I broke up with Lauren and got to deal with all the rumors. That semester lasted a year, it seemed.

And then there is this semester. It seems like it has flown by. It has without question been my easiest semester by far, and it seems just a couple of weeks ago that Michelle and I were broke down on the side of the road on our way down here. My hands were greasy and the hood was up for hours, but I finally got us going again. That was really months ago. It was summer and warm. Now it is cold and starting to feel like winter. I expected this semester to be much the same as previous semesters, but it hasn’t been at all. It has been freaking amazing. There are 3 reasons for that I will list in no particular order #1 – I gained control over a part of my life I had been struggling with for a long time, #2 – Michelle is an amazing sister, and I love her to death, she is so sweet and helpful and easygoing, #3 – Anne, Anne, Anne, I can’t say enough about her. She has redeemed the female gender in my eyes. I didn’t even realize how hard on the concept of girls I was. I didn’t want anything to do with them ourside of a friendship, and even that seemed tainted sometimes because Nicole liked me as more than a friend and I could not reciprocate. I didn’t want to even let anybody close to that part of my heart, and I didn’t even realize at the time how much I was protecting it. I had all these unreasonable expectations up that were impossible to find in combination. I was super picky. Physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional attraction. All four MUST be together. When was the last time before Anne that I seriously was attracted to a girl just physically the way she looked, yeah, that is shallow, but that was a primary criteria that I had when judging a girl so I could reject her as even a remote possibility, that way, I am protected, and I don’t have to deal with it. It was Cavewoman, and she was over a year ago. She was physically attractive to me, but I never talked to her. There’s no way that she could have met the other 3 criteria in addition to the first. Probability is against it. I was safe. I named off three other girls who came close to matching my list of standards at the beginning of this semester. I have made an effort to know more about them, and two of them have been knocked off the list because of what I found out. Nothing wrong with them, just they aren’t up to what is par for me. I guess the third, I haven’t found out enough about her yet. In the back of my head, I just thought that my standards were too high for anybody, so I was safe from having to deal with that again. The truth is that they could have been much, much higher. Mine were unreasonable, but Anne walked right through them without a hitch. And here she is and so much more than my “unrealistic” expectations. I don’t know why God chose to bless me with her. She is the most precious thing I have ever held. As my soul is for God, my heart is for her. I haven’t ever fallen for somebody like this. And, while it seems like we are moving together and growing together nascar fast, I am not nervous at all. She made a Freudian slip last night that opened my eyes to see how deeply she cares about me and the future she sees with us. I’m glad she did. My heart skipped a beat when she said that. It seems so good and so right that it doesn’t seem real to me sometimes because I haven’t had anything this good happen to me before. Only 1 complete winning lottery ticket is sold. I am realizing every day more and more to my waning disbelief that my winning lottery ticket is not a fake. How could God see fit to bless me like that? I know where I have fallen short, and I know that I deserve average things. But that’s not what I have been given. I have been given something as beautiful and amazing as life itself. Anne cares for me so much. It’s real and I can feel it. It’s not a one sided relationship, because we both benefit. It’s crazy! She is so good for me. I can’t not be attracted to her. She is what I want and need. Its like God made her just for me. I hope I am as good of a fit for her. I had a dream last night that she kissed me on the lips. I hope that doesn’t happen, and we need to both be careful because if she want to kiss me sometimes as much as I want to kiss her sometimes, and if those times overlap sometimes… Maybe the chastity belt for my lips would be a good idea. haha

She hurts inside. I hope and pray that she is completely restored soon. There is a lot of stuff, but we are tackling it thing by thing. I want to see her be whole, and I know she will be. I hope I am healing to her. Sometimes it seems like all I do is just dig her problems up and then support her as she deals with them. It seems like I facilitate the healing process, but am not directly involved, but I want to be. She is for me. It seems like every time we have a deep conversation about stuff it is like there Anne is again with her old grungy overalls and a bucket of paint in one hand and a broom in the other. Knocking on my door, and we clean up the place together. When she leaves, I know she will be back. It is like she says “Bye, see you tomorrow”, and tomorrow, she comes and we fix more stuff. It is so encouraging. But when she cried last night, I had tears running down my face. It was like all I could do was hold her, and I couldn’t do enough of that. I wish I could take it all away, because it seems like I could be doing so much more.

We are not dating STILL! I don’t understand how sometimes we can be so close and STILL not be dating. Even though time has flown by, it seems like that measure doesn’t apply to us. Time means not much. We have packed half of a lifetime into 2 months and 9 days. I look forward so much to the day when I can say “I am dating [Anne]” or “[Anne] is my girlfriend” I can’t hardly wait to proudly claim her. To hold her hand in public and let the world know that she belongs to me and my heart belongs to her and no one else. To refer to her as my princess. To not feel like I have to hide or tone down how much I love her. I wish I could show her now how much I love her. How much she means to me. She is the only one in the world like her, and I won’t ever find someone to take her place.

If I had all the money in the world, I would by a piece of ground and build our house on it. But I don’t have much money, not like that anyway. I can’t buy her as expensive things as I would like to to show my affection, but at the same time, she doesn’t care for expensive things as much as a lot of girls. I like that. She would rather have something meaningful. I got her rollerblades for Christmas. I hope those have a lot of sentimental value for her. The company messed up the order, so it will be late. I hope they come before break, because I want to surprise her and go rollerblading with her. Besides, that will give me another excuse to hold her hand. 🙂 haha. Devious, yes, I know.

I am curious to see what next semester will bring. Maybe we will be together by then. I have 5 more fingernails to go. I guess I’m glad that we’re waiting, but seriously! How much longer do we have to wait? But I calm my wants and be patient because I don’t want her to feel at all preasured or say “lets date now” before she is ready. I want this to be right in every way. So far, it has been, and I want to keep that up. Besides, I keep telling myself, the longer we wait, the more I will appreciate it when we are finally together. I just hope she doesn’t ask me over the phone, because I will need to give her a hug and twirl her around when I say yes. Then it is my turn to ask her next when we get engaged. Aaannd I better not get too far ahead of myself. Logic, kick back in, because technically, this is hypothetical. I hate “technically”. Someday I am going to kick “technically’s” sorry butt clear across the state of Alaska with my steel toed boots.

Wow, I just realized how much I have been rambling about the same topic. Haha I need to get back to work on studying for finals. I think I got a B on the one I took today. I hope I get an A on the two tomorrow, because I have an A already in the one of the classes. Anne is coming over on Thursday, I am looking forward to that. I am going to try to write this goofy paper before then so I can spend time with her. It is our last day together for this year. I am going to miss her so much Christmas break. This paper is going to be hard to write, but I have the feeling that if I can get on a role, then I can finish it with no problems. I am so glad I dropped Spanish. Hmmm… what’s for supper? Probably have eggs and bacon. That sounds good. I can’t wait to see my grandpa. I am going to get my new pickup over Christmas break. My mom told me it was red and white. That will be a fun thing I can do with my dad. I love looking forward to things. That should be on my list of favorite things. I have so much to look forward to at the moment, that it’s not even funny. And what makes it even better? At the end of it all, I get to spend eternity with You. I get to worship You like you deserve without having anything of the world pulling at me. I get to love You with all of my soul. Eternity together, unity. That is so good. That tips the scale and outweighs everything I have on earth. Eternity with You just used the scale for a catapult and sent everything I had sitting on the other side flying off into oblivion. Cause I love You. I love You! I can’t help but love You. You are sooo good to me. Thank You.

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One Response to The torture chair

  1. guueesssss whhhaaatttttt?!I KNOW WHAT YOU GOT ME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

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