Wow, what a crazy day with too much thinking. Or is thinking a bad thing? I just got to spend a lot of time slicing out steaks, and, just like welding, that always gets me to thinking. I’m just thinking about where I am at in life right now. Just thinking about where I was a couple of years ago, and thinking about where I would like to be in a year.
I was just thinking about God and where I am with Him. Somehow, I feel close to Him, very close, but not close enough to make me satisfied. I want more. Sitting and reading my bible out loud with Anne on Thursday was amazing. I absolutely love that bible. It makes it more like real life, like a story and not a history book. I love to read it. I brought it with me to Kansas. I was just thinking though, what would I like out of my relationship with God, and are those thing that I desire, things that He desires, or are they mutual? Well, for starters, I want to be more in tune with Him. It seems like it is very easy for me to let myself get in the way of His masterplan. I know that what happens is Him working, it is all ordained. But I was just thinking of Job and all that God allowed to be taken away from Job and Job just said, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”. I am not sure if I could do that. If God took away my truck, I would be OK with that. But if He allowed my brother or Michelle or Anne to die or my grandpa or mom or dad, I don’t think I could be as calm about the situation as Job was. I would be entirely too busy bawling my eyes out. That would be horrible. That’s the difference between Job and me. I am too focused on the present. I want that to change so that no matter what happens, I can say, “Blessed be the name of the Lord.” God has blessed me so much, and I take so many of His blessings for granted or expect them to be there tomorrow. If they weren’t, would my life fall apart? I don’t want to find out. I want to know for sure that it wouldn’t. I want to know for sure that my faith is strong enough. Sometimes, I feel like it is, and sometimes, I am not so sure. Most of the time, I suppose I could handle it, but that should be all the time. That’s another thing I would like to change. The ups and downs of my spiritual walk with God get annoying. I love the peaks, but I hate the valleys, but then again, I love getting into the word and talking with God when you know its been too long and it feels so good to talk to an old Friend who hasn’t been as big of a part of your life as usual. It feels good to reconnect.
I am strong, but how strong am I. One of my biggest strengths is willpower. If it is important enough to me, I can do whatever it takes to make it happen. But does that mean that my relationship with God is not important enough to me to maintain? Especially when my spiritual walk waxes and wanes. God has really showed Himself to me this semester, and I feel like a dunce who is just seeing a bicycle for the first time and not knowing all the wonderful nuances that can be had from using that awkward looking machine. I guess I have been kind of dazed by the beauty of God in my life. So many amazing things have happened this semester, and I feel like if I were as blown away as I should be, there would be nothing left of me.
My life is beautiful. That’s all I can say except that I don’t deserve any of it. Aaaand I just got tackled by my brother’s Christmas tree. Interesting. At the end of last semester, I thought life couldn’t get any better, and then this semester was like 10 times better than last semester already was. So I am super excited to see what next semester brings. I know that good things are waiting just around the corner. I know it. I don’t see why God saw fit to bless me in the past and the present and in the future. I don’t understand, but I am grateful.
I have been slightly stressed being at my brother’s house. I have realized how spoiled I have become living in Longview, especially where groceries are concerned. I eat whatever I want, and I work A LOT so that I can afford to do so. My brother on the other hand is dirt poor. I feel bad for him. We bought him some food today. I think it bothers me though so much more than it bothers him. He has plenty to eat, just not of what he wants. Little things like salsa for his eggs that he feels like he can’t afford, so he and his wife do without. That bothers me, so I got him a huge jug of salsa. His eyes sparkled. But my heart hurt inside. I feel like he isn’t being able to take care of himself or his wife well enough. They are happy, but maybe our standards are different. I guess as long as they are happy, that is what matters. I just remember not having enough money to buy food and how much it stunk, and I imagine how it would feel if my wife couldn’t eat either. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I guess I am just extra sensitive in that area of not having enough food. I feel protected from hunger when I buy whatever I want or as much as I want. That is something that was conditioned in me that maybe needs to change. I don’t know. It is cool to watch Tyrone and his wife interact. They love each other so much. They are each other’s world. They are what the other looks forward to more than anything in their day. They share things. They are good for each other. It is awesome for them to get to have somebody that they love that much around all the time and to be able to give as much of yourself to another as they want. It’s beautiful.
And then the snow’s beautiful too. I have missed snow so much, and I went outside today and stood and just looked at it covering everything. I put my hand in the snow and felt the cool. I pulled it back and looked at the crystal flakes stuck to my palm. I looked at the negative of my hand in a print in the snow. 5 fingers, well, 4 fingers and a thumb if you get technical. We were talking today about if a person had 3 hands, how would that be? That would be useful. But I got to thinking, what if three people were interconnected at the wrist, and so 3 people had to share only 1 hand. How would that be? There, the unity of working together to perform a task would step forth in all its splendor. It was quite a thoughtful moment for just sticking my hand in the snow.
But then again, I have been extra super thoughtful these past two days since I left. I am thinking and rethinking everything. I have spent ridiculous amounts of time mentally processing and reprocessing a whole bunch of things. A full day in the car and a full day slicing steaks will do that to you. I have had time to think, but I need a lot more. I have come up with a lot of doubts lately, and at the same time, things that I wasn’t sure about previously have been concreted in my mind. It’s the doubts that need to be thought about more. Meria, Lauren, what am I going to do with you two? Turmoil. Dang. Annoyingness. Meria makes me want to procrastinate, and Lauren makes me want to smash and throw things. How am I so easygoing all the time when all this stuff is going on in my mind? I could never physically lose control. That’s just not in me. But my mind throws fits sometimes. I imagine a little guy in my head, “the thinker”, the naked dude sitting on the stump. He can’t take it any more and so he starts throwing furniture against the walls of my skull until he is exhausted. He collapses on the floor, and then he can think straight again. Haha. Poor guy. He is realizing all the lies he has believed. More and more lies, and he is frustrated with himself and all that he has allowed us to go through. I forgive him. But he doesn’t sometimes. So I gotta talk some sense into him. He is really insecure sometimes, but fortunately I am patient. And he is learning.
Anne, Anne, Anne. My time with you is amazing. I miss you so much. I wish, I wish, I wish. Someday. You are what I look forward to the most about next semester besides growing closer to God. I can’t wait to bake cookies with you. I can’t wait to go rollerblading with you. It seems like I said goodbye 2 weeks ago even though it has only been two days. You are so pretty when you cry. That split my heart into so many pieces to see you cry because you had to leave me. Lauren never did that. Or did she? (I don’t even know what to believe with her and now that makes me want to cry.)You must really love me. That is still sinking in that it is real and not just a show. That is why it is so beautiful to me when I saw your tears running down your face and saw your shoulders shaking. It was real. You care enough about me to cry for me. Am I worth that? Am I really worth that? Are you sure? Those questions were running through my mind. It was beautiful, but at the same time, it tore my heart out to see you hurting. I hate to see you hurt. Goodbye’s kill me. I hate it. I hope when I see Anne again, she is as excited to see me as I will be to see her. I will not be able to contain myself. Just thinking about seeing her again makes my heart happy and beat faster. It makes me smile. Everything about her makes me smile. I love her so much. I hope that nothing ever comes between us. She treats me so well. That is what real love is. I can feel it in my bones. When I am around her, I feel warm inside. She is truly a gift from God. I feel God in her. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have her. She said when she came back that she would follow me around for a week holding on to me. I hope so. I hope it is so. How many things am I still getting used to? With Lauren, how many things did I accept as normal. My self worth. Why did I let her treat me like that. Anne has shown me nothing but love, and I hope she feels nothing but love coming back from me. God and Anne and me. Just us three. It is a beautiful love triangle. Sometimes it seems to good to be true like it is all in my imagination and I am deceiving myself. But she gave me her book. I will write in it later tonight. She gave me a call today. I appreciated that so, so much. That made my day, to get to hear her voice. I am so in to her. I love her. I feel guilty about writing so much of my journal about her sometimes, but she really is the most valuable thing in my life at the moment. God put her there. Sometimes I feel like it is such a huge risk to give so much of my heart to her, probably because I am afraid of getting hurt again, but she has given me no reason to doubt her. So why am I so afraid. Stupid baggage. God, help me leave all those lies and all that undeserved pain behind. Wow, this is a lot to think about. I hope my mom doesn’t get tired of talking about her, because I am planning on talking to her a whole lot over break. Not so much for her benefit, I already have her and my dad’s blessing. But it is for my benefit. I need to think things through. I need to feel out reality, because I feel that I am at a point where my former reality built from Lauren no longer applies. Well, it never did. But now I have all these presuppositions that I keep running into. Another room I didn’t know existed. Anne is always there ready to help me clean up. I don’t understand it. My only explanation is that is God through her. Healing, that’s what she is. I had no idea when I went to eat with her for the first time that I would benefit other than the satisfaction of knowing God was pleased with me. He blew me away! He still is blowing me away as reality settles in my mind as such. I couldn’t ever write something that beautiful for anybody if I were writing their story. (boy, I have used the word beautiful a lot. I need a bigger vocabulary). Anne is freaking super awesome.
But, God, I know it’s not her. I know its You. It always is You. Every time I fall down, You are right there. Every time I get beat down, You are right there in a variety of forms to pick me up. You are always there. You have always been there. Your love never fails. I never cease to be amazed by the sheer volume of Your love. Thank You so much. Thank You, thank You. You draw me near to You. You pull me close. You show me so much of Your beauty and glory through every part of my life. Your love for me is outstanding and unlike any other. I can feel You in certain other people. You are there. You are everywhere. I want more of You. Someday, I will be able to worship You as You deserve, but until then, please accept my flawed self. Its all I have to offer, but I give You all of me. Please work in me. Please work through me. Please use me. Let me be Your tool. Let others see You through me. You, You, You. It’s all about You. And I love that!
#1 God’s incredible and vast love.
#2 God working through Anne
#3My family and the time I get to spend with them.
lacybenne 