I just have this feeling inside that this week is going to be an emotion charged week. I am going to talk to my mom about Lauren and about Anne. I don’t feel weak. I know I can handle it. I know it is going to be hard, and I am kind of hoping that I don’t find another place where my presuppositions have been inaccurate for a long time and I have been operating off of lies or conditioned defenses. I need to let my defenses down. Anne is the most loving and caring individual that I have ever met. In her, I have nothing to defend against. It has to hurt her when I guard myself from her, and I hate it when I do that, because she deserves so much more. She has earned it. She is so amazing, and I want to allow myself to completely trust her. She is completely trustworthy. I am glad she is patient with me, and I hope her patience doesn’t run out, because that would REALLY stink. I just have to work through this. She is so good to me. I feel guilty quite a lot because I know I am holding back. I feel like I am holding back just a small part of my heart at most all times but in varying amounts for the occasion that if this doesn’t work out, at least I will have a small amount of my heart left. I have given so much to her, and I know that she would never turn on me. But I keep having this feeling, this knowing that I went down this path once before where I gave all of my heart to someone, and they stuck it in the meat grinder. Anne would never do that though! That is why I know these thoughts and fears and feelings are completely irrational. SO WHY AM I STILL OPERATING OFF OF THEM?!?!! It is completely frustrating, and I freaking hate it! It’s not right in any possible way. Anne and Lauren are about as opposite as can be, so why do I use Lauren rules of engagement with Anne? With Lauren, I feel like I had to be fully suited in armor and have my shield ready for just in case. I don’t need any of that with Anne. We are on the same team, Yet when I am near her, I take off all of my armor except my breastplate. I don’t need to wear that, yet I am afraid to take it off. It has to be frustrating for her because I don’t give her the trust she deserves among a variety of other reasons. It is frustrating to me because I know it is wrong, and I want to get closer to her, but I am keeping that between us. I want to completely embrace her for all the goodness that is God in her. She has always been good to me. So why can’t I treat her like she has always been good to me? Gaaahhh! I am hoping that over this break, over the course of talking with my mom, that I can break down these walls I have built. She deserves a free passage into my heart. Lauren deserved to be guarded against, a lot more than I did. They are so opposite. I just got a good idea, and I am going to write it out. Maybe I can read over it again later and add to it.
Lauren hit me and gave me bruises.
Anne wiped the tears off my cheek.
Lauren lied to me all the time
Anne speaks the truth to me in love.
Lauren sought what she could take from me.
Anne seeks how she can add to us.
Lauren talked bad about me behind my back.
Anne makes people admire me.
Lauren was a huge weight on my shoulders.
Anne walks beside me in everything.
Lauren put me down.
Anne builds me up.
Lauren told me how displeased God was with me.
Anne, God, and I are a three way team.
Lauren condemned me.
Anne offers hope.
Lauren showed actions of hate.
Anne never ceases to let the love of God flow through her.
Lauren told me over and over again how replaceable I was.
Anne told me last night that I am special and unique to her.
Lauren looked for new ways to hurt me.
Anne looks for ways I need healing.
Lauren said I wasn’t worth her time.
Anne doesn’t cease to invest in me.
Lauren does whatever she wants.
Anne seeks what God wants.
Lauren was a show.
Anne is the real deal.
Lauren made me feel like a failure.
Anne makes me feel competent.
One thing about them that is the same. They both make me look to God. The difference is, I looked away from Lauren to seek God’s help. I look toward Anne and see God working through her.
I think that was good for me. I think I will do that again. I feel a lot better and like the truth and the lies are spread out on the table before me in two neat separate piles. It is easy to tell which one is the bowl of fruits and vegetable and which one is the pile of stinky, rotting, maggot infested meat. It’s not mixed together on the table top so that I don’t know what to eat. Wow! That was a good exercise, and I need to do that more often. I feel like I can see truth. I wish Lauren where here so that I could physically cross my arms, turn my back to her and walk away in silence without looking back. I wish Anne were here because I would run and jump into her arms and hold her close and pick her up and twirl her around. Actually, its probably a good thing she isn’t here, because I would probably kiss her at the moment. Haha. I am so encouraged! Gosh, I can’t help but love that girl. She is so good. I love God, and she is God’s gift to me. God has given me such an enormous gift in her, and I can’t wait to see what He does with the two of us.
God, thank You. You are in everything I see. You are in every blessing You have given me. You have given me so much hope. You have showed me so much love. You have been everything for me when I have had nothing left, yet, You were still there when I was on top of the world. You are in Anne so much. Thank You for her and thank You for using her. Thank You for my mom. Thank You for using her. Please help us this week as we go through stuff. She is going to find out a lot of stuff she didn’t know. Please help that be easy on her and help us to grow closer through it. God, I miss Anne. I know she misses me. Please help these weeks apart to be beneficial for both of us and even though we’re apart, maybe You could help us grow closer together still. I would like that. God, thank You, thank You for everything. Thank You for my eternity with You and how infinitely it outweighs all the good things in my life right now. Thank You for my present blessings and how much they override all the bad stuff that has happened. Please be with Anne this week as she goes to talk with Abby. Please keep her strong. Help her to follow You and protect herself when necessary. Thank You for being in control. I love You. Thank You.
#1 God, and the amazing, incredible way He works
#2 Anne, and long, reassuring phone conversations
#3 Family, and time together
#4 fill in the blank! haha