Breathe deeply and close my eyes

Nothing beats a simple laugh. I love to laugh. As the Mary Poppins movie says, “long and loud and clear.” Except when I laugh, it is very different from the way it sounds on the movie. But the same thoughts are going through our heads. Some things are just so funny, and it is sad when people can’t see the humor in simple things. I am a sucker for slapstick. Laurel and Hardy were the best as well as Abbot and Costello. Those guys gave me a workout every time I watched them. They say that guy humor and girl humor differs. I suppose it does. I laugh at everything that strikes me as funny and sometimes at inappropriate times, but supposedly, for the average girl to find something humorous, it needs to be clever. I find the name of a particular farm animal comical and fun to say. “Chicken!”. Try saying “CHICKEN!!” every time somebody asks you a question and keeping a straight face. You can’t do it! It’s funny! (you might get tired of eating the same thing over and over again at a restaurant.) That bird didn’t ask to be named chicken. Poor bird. It would have much rather preferred the name “2 legged beastly bird whose mere awful presence requires sober respect.” But then again, maybe not. Chickens aren’t super intelligent as the animal kingdom goes. They can short circuit their brain merely by staring at a straight line. That renders them incapable of doing anything other than walking in circles for a couple of hours afterwards. I personally don’t look down on chickens. I appreciate a good scrambled egg every now and then. But every time I do something that makes me feel dumb, I think about chickens, and I automatically feel smarter.

Anne asked me last night if I was sure I wanted her. I want no one else. Before I got to know Anne, maybe someone else who met my check list of things I wanted in a girl (hypothetically, assuming another person in the world even exists like that) would have done. But the thing is, now I know Anne, and I see how much she surpasses my list by and makes it seem like a meek and humble list. Now, to me, my old list seems really apathetic on my part. She makes my old list seem like, “This is what I want in a girl: she has to be female and within 40 years of my age.” My old list seemed really picky at the time that I made it, but Anne is that and so much more. She is infinitely irreplaceable. Anne asking me if I wanted her, to me, kind of equivocates to somebody asking me if I want the limbs on the left side of my body. YES! They are my freaking arm and leg! Of course I want them! And Anne is my girl, my gift from God, and I’m not going to give her up without a ridiculously huge fight!

Neither of us is very good at talking on the phone. Sure, we like to hear each other’s voices, but I think the value of a voice over the phone is as much in a feeling of presence as it is in the words said. I love exploring her mind, but I don’t do that solely through her words. What happens when we run out of things to say? Does that invalidate our relationship? Not at all. Both of us are people who don’t really talk if we don’t have anything to say, but if there is something we need or want to talk about, we have no problem with talking about it. I think that’s a good thing. People who need to talk all the time to feel alive, I feel, are missing out on much of life. But a phone necessitates us to talk all the time to validate the use and existence of the phone in the first place. This being apart is hard. The phone is great, but our relationship consists of so much more than that. There are lots of times when we are together and we don’t even speak words to each other for lengthy periods of time. We don’t need to. A look, a touch, a smile, a breath breathed just so, mere presence is more than enough. The reason for this is that we were made for each other, and we don’t have to talk to make our relationship valid. We were made to be together, enough said. No words required. We are designed to be together, but this distance between us forces us to rely on what makes up a relatively small percentage of our relationship to take the place of all the other parts in their absolute entirety. Gosh, it will be good to be with her again. That is the way it is supposed to be. I look forward to the days when we’ll always be together.

This makes me think about my relationship with You. I don’t have to pray to You to know You’re there. There’s times when I feel the need to express myself to You with words, but it feels so good to just sit there in silence and know that You are there right beside me. You’re already there. I feel You everywhere. You are in life and in every good thing. I often see You working through the bad things. I love to know that no matter where I go, there You are. It feels good to know that I am never alone and that I will never be alone because You are always right there beside me. Here, in this room, I can feel Your presence. As I breathe deeply and feel the cool air filling my lungs, I know I am breathing Your ambience. I can feel You inside of me, and that is the best feeling in the world. I am so content right now, because I am with You and You are with me and I know this is how it will always be. This is the only way I ever want it to be, and I know that it will never change. You give me so much peace. Thank You for being so amazing. I don’t even have words to speak the gratitude I am feeling, but I am glad that You understand the way I feel more than I do. This relationship with You is so deep. It is as deep as I can make it, as deep into You as I can dig because there is no bottom and no limit. Your arms are wide open; I am hopelessly in love with You, and I can’t embrace enough of You because I am not big enough. You surround me. I want to fall into the center of You and never come back. There’s no place else I would rather be. Every time I close my eyes, it brings me closer to You. I love closing my eyes and breathing deeply because that’s one of the times I feel You the most. You make me passionate about something worthwhile: You. Its all about You and what You want. I love that. You want me, all of me, and I hate that what I have to offer You is polluted and incomplete. But I love that You accept me anyway, no matter what. I can’t get enough of You, and I want to give all of me to You. Someday, I will die. The thing I look forward to the very most is when that happens, being able to throw myself at your feet and know that every speck of this world has been washed off of me and I am pure and to know that I am finally able to give You all that You ask. To know that finally, I am able to worship You the way You deserve to be worshipped. My tears can’t lie. And these are for You. Thank You.

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