So, I definitely can’t sleep, and I gave up on trying. So I thought I would write about some stuff.
Starting with my truck and why I like it so much. I think it is because we have been through a lot together. It has always been there for me. I know it’s not human, but I derive a lot of comfort from it. It is familiar. I associate it with freedom because if I need to get away from something, I can just go on a drive. I had a nickname for it, “my mobile fortress”. If I was in my truck, I feel protected. My bible used to live on my dashboard. I think I will place it there again. I can’t even count the number of times I used to leave tears on its seat. I would turn the music up so that I couldn’t hear myself crying. I can’t even count the number of times I have taken naps in it or slept overnight in it. It has helped me get jobs. I have used it for work and for play. I have had many a long and serious conversation in it. I have watched many movies in it. I have eaten many meals in it and shared many picnics. It has carried my sailboat to the lake more times than I can count. We’ve gone camping literally hundreds of times. I built it from the ground up, and I know it inside and out. I feel like I can trust it, in a way, like if something happens and it breaks down, I will be able to fix it. I am very glad that God allowed me to have it, because it has definitely been a blessing to me.
And then Anne. It is so good to be back with her. It felt so good to sit beside her on the couch tonight. I seriously felt totally at peace. I feel like our relationship has changed over Christmas, but I’m not sure how yet. Then again, I have only spent three and a half hours with just her since she came back from break. I was used to getting much more time with her before break, but we haven’t settled into a routine for this semester yet by any means. All I know is that I love her deeply, and I need to spend more time sitting beside her. Tomorrow, after classes, we are going shopping to try to find her a shelf.
And I am seriously loving this health binge. It’s felt good to know that everything I have put into my body for the past few days has been something good for it. Life is a gift, and this is definitely increasing my quality of life. And eating things that are good for me makes me feel good physically as well. Now if I could just get my body to fall asleep to top it off. Haha I wonder why I can’t sleep. I haven’t had that problem for some time although I used to have it all the time a couple of years ago. I wonder if something is bothering me or stressing me.
My schedule is looking wonderful for this semester. And I mean amazing. Fifteen hours seems like such a light load. But, who knows, maybe my classes will be super hard and I will have a hard time keeping my head above water. Not likely, though, I think it will be a relaxing semester.
And then I really need to talk to You. I feel really vulnerable right now. I feel like it would be really easy for my self to get in the way. I don’t want to be the focus of my life. That is Your place. I feel distant from You, and I long to be closer. You haven’t been as much of a part of my life these past few days as normal, and even normal isn’t enough. So, please, come back and let me feel Your presence. I’m sorry if I have pushed You out with other things and that is why You are far away now. You are my God, and I am Your person. Come, and lets be ourselves around each other again. I’m seeking You. I need You. You deserve something so much more than me, but this is all I have to offer, and I’m grateful that You still want it. And I freaking love You.