I just have this intense desire and need for communication right now, so I am going to write this down. That is what a journal is for after all, right? I have so many thoughts floating around in my head that I just want to tell someone, but at the same time I don’t want to bore them to tears. I just want to talk to talk to somebody and tell them all that is on my mind and lay all its contents on the table and let them tell me all that is on their mind and lay all its contents on the table and then we can reorganize them together. I just want to dive deep into God’s word with somebody and talk with them about all that is going on in our lives and all that He has been doing.
I would definitely say the little naked guy in my head, “the thinker” is throwing a fit again.
Prayer and praise was so good last night. To get to talk to Nicole about life and God and pray fervently for each other. That is a connection I need to make more often.
What has happened to me? I was just thinking about how much I have changed since coming to Letourneau. I think I am still in a state of adjustment. I know my body has gone through second puberty, but I am finding my life is always changing. Fortunately, it is always for the better or from one neutral to another neutral.
For example. My truck needs a few things done to it. Thermostat changed and the dash light redone cause it’s burnt out. A year or two ago, that would have totally stressed me, and I would have stayed up till 2AM fixing it if that’s how long it took. Now I don’t really care so much. I will fix them when I get around to them. Have my priorities changed that much? It’s prolly a good thing because I think I used to care about my truck too much and now it is falling into balance with other things in my life.
Michelle said that my perfectionistic streak is gone that I used to have so many years ago. I am glad, because I hated that and so did a lot of the people I was with. I am only perfectionistic on things that really matter and everything else just has to be good enough.
And my taste in girls has changed drastically too. I only have a taste for one girl now. I only could. She is for me. There are 8 fingernails! I remember the first one. I saw them today and I did a couple of consecutive double takes. Yes…
I am so excited to see what the future holds. I know in part, but I don’t know how or when. It would be so nice to know. And yes, most of the future concerns Anne. Who is really the one I want to talk to about this, not just anyone and not just someone, but her. What will it be like though? How long will we be engaged for? Will we get married before we graduate? How soon after we are married will we have a kid? Will it be a boy or a girl? Will it be twins? What are we going to name our puppy? How is life going to be with no school and stupid deadlines to stress us? Where are we going for our honeymoon? How will it be to kiss and not have to have boundaries? What will our house look like? How will God use us specifically? What will I find out about her that you could only find out about someone by being married to them? What will she find out about me, and is there anything that I have kept from her in the first place? I don’t think so, but I might surprise myself. What will it be like to cook for her every day? Will she ever get annoyed of listening to me?
And then I have all these questions for right now: Why is God having me take this stupid basic skills of counseling class? Why was that girl crying last night? Does it annoy Anne that I am so sappy like all the time? Why are people so dumb and selfish and shallow and hurtful towards others? Why did God give me such a heart and a passion for hurting and lonely people when most of the time, I can’t even do anything to make their lives better? Why am I having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep? What is up with this cheesecake fetish? Why did the entire campus suddenly stop sending me emails? Why do people care so much about sports? Why do I feel like there is a taboo that I am tiptoeing around? Why do I care so much about everything? Am I normal? Am I balanced? How are things going to change in 5 years? Why did Dr. Psychologist’s husband leave her? Why do I have so many questions right now?
And then I have all these things I want to do:
Sit at the pond
Go glowstick fishing
Park under the bridge and blast music
Sing hymns with somebody
Go to a church service instead of leading one for once!
God is so good to me. I feel so full right now. Like I couldn’t hold anymore goodness. But at the same time, I feel so far from being content with where I am at. I want to grow closer to God and to grow closer to Anne. I am growing so much and so fast to both of them, but I can’t move fast enough. We are going to be heroes in life. God is going to use us so much. I am so excited for that. Let Him be glorified! But there are so many distractions in life from the things that are truly important, and I hope and pray that we don’t fall prey to them.
Then there are these things that I wish:
I wish I could be every hurting person’s friend.
I wish I had a good way of showing people how much I really care about them.
I wish I could catch every tear that fell and replace it with a smile.
I wish I could set this world right again.
I wish I was a stronger Christian so that I wouldn’t fall down.
I wish I could fly (I think that’s why I have so many dreams about flying. I always imagine being able to fly to be as close as you can get to embracing God. I will be able to fly in Heaven)
I wish #1 that I could personally fight satan and #2 that I was strong enough on my own to do him some harm. It would be so good to have God in the corner proudly smiling while I was in the boxing ring with him.
I want to make God proud. I want people to look at me and to see Him. He’s all I want to want. He’s all I want to want to live for. So why is it so hard for me to be His perfect servant. I don’t want the influences of this world. I don’t belong here. I want to fight against this decay for as long as I am alive and then go into a blissful eternity with Him forever. This is filth, and I was made for something so much better than this. Everybody was. Someday, I will experience all that I was created for. I feel sorry for others though. The ones who will have the same joyful unity for eternity as me but right now don’t feel the hope. I feel it all the time. God is so close to me, yet, I feel that He’s just out of grasp in this life. A hug is never sufficient. I want to be swallowed up in Him. He is so good and so pure and so Holy, and I am so defiled. But I don’t want to be. How much of the way I am is my choice? If I could change anything about me, that would be it. I would be what I will be in 100 years. Perfect for Him. All for Him. Only for Him. But here I am and all I have to offer Him is all I have right now and it is so imperfect and flawed. He deserves so much more than what I have to offer, but I am so glad that He accepts it anyway.
I just long for the days before I was born. The days when the world was a better place. I hate the media. Adam and Eve had it good, even after they were kicked out of the Garden, they had it good. I wish sometimes that I could go back to that time and live there. But then, that is a selfish thought. I think I belong there though. God put me here for a reason though. I am to be a tree for others. I know that. I am to be a safe resting place where they can take a break from life and be refreshed and restored. Psalms. I wish I could have written a few chapters of the Bible.
God, lead me. Guide me. Give me eyes only for you. I am Yours. Use me. How am I doing, God? How am I doing with Your gift, Anne? How am I doing with Your other gift, Mr. E? I want to know and I want feedback. I want to know that I am doing OK and I want to know where to improve. Please show me where to improve or let me know that I am doing OK. Thank You for everything. Thank You for the three of us. Grow us strong. I love You!