I promise I want it all

So here I am again, lying in bed. Wide awake. Wishing my body would freaking get over itself and let me sleep. I hate fighting sex and lust. It’s not about a feeling. It shouldn’t be about anything less than the same ecstasy as when our souls were created way back when. And fighting this stinks. But its worth it.

And I’m thinking about Michal. She doesn’t really seem that happy to be with the guy she is going to marry. Talking to her she seemed downright apprehensive. I have never met the guy. Does he treat her well? Does he always treat her with love and respect? Does he love her regardless of how she acts? Does he love her like Christ would love her? I kind of feel bad for her. I didn’t understand her reaction to my questions. It felt as if she was dying to say all the things that were wrong but wasn’t allowed to or shouldn’t. Almost feeling caged and like it was too late. How did they get together? Maybe they liked the same things. Maybe they had the same taste in music. Maybe they thought the same things were funny. Maybe they admired certain things about each other. Maybe they found each other entertaining. All those things are great for making somebody to hang out with, but it has to go so much deeper than that to go further than that. Were they caught up in how each other makes them feel and that’s why they decided to get married? “I think you’re awesome, because you make me feel awesome when I’m around you.” Because that’s a horrible foundation. If you can’t love a person no matter what and they can’t love you no matter what, then you better stick with just friends. She was obviously trying to hold back the things she felt. I wonder how long they would last if he knew how she really felt. She should be loved by somebody who loves her the way Christ would love her. Unconditionally. Maybe I am making too many speculations.

And I’m thinking about honesty. Millie and I had a conversation yesterday to make me think of this. Its so stupid how people are afraid to be completely honest with each other. It seems like nobody tells everybody everything. Afraid that they won’t be accepted with all their flaws. But then again, who’s to blame them because people are so ready to judge others. But we give each other compliments and say things that we don’t mean in an effort to make our relationships with each other seem more real and less surface than they are. I wonder how many of them would break if they were forced to go deeper. I wonder how many of them would break if one or the other person started acting only slightly different. If they could no longer feed off the surface.

It seems like so many people I know say things they don’t mean just to keep each other around.

They know when they lie, but do they consciously make the connection that the other person’s response cannot be true either because it is only a reaction to a lie. That’s no way to live. I promise I want it all.

If you put your heart close to the surface of your skin, it is more likely to get hurt. But if your heart is close to the surface and you come up against someone else whose heart is close to the surface, your hearts can almost touch.

And I am super glad that God is my best Friend and that He provides me with a model to show me what true Love is supposed to be like through that friendship. He sees all of me. I realize how unworthy I am to be His friend. The fact that He chooses to Love me in spite of all that is wrong with me, I can’t help but love Him back. He makes it so I can love others in spite of all that is wrong with them. He Loves me, therefore I am loveable. Therefore I can love with a Love outside my own. What a beautiful gift.

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