You and me

It would be super cool to work in the temple in the old testament. To be the one who arranged the things on the altar. To light the incense on fire. Even to clean up after the sacrifices. It would be so amazing to be the one who got to go back in the Holy Place. To be that close to God. That would be freaking awesome. Come to think of it, it would be freaking awesome to be the animal chosen to be the sacrifice to God. That would be ultimate fulfillment. So why is it so hard to sacrifice my heart completely for Him?

If I were on a desert island for a week. We had that conversation. I said I would want a hatchet to build a fort for a week. I wouldn’t though. I would want a bible too. A week with just me and God would be the most desirable thing for me. I hate all the distractions that go on in life. I just want to be close to God. I feel like I am close, but not nearly as close as I want to be. For sure not as close as He wants me to be. If I could do anything in the world right now, I would be on that island with just me and God and His letter to me. I want that so bad. I can’t wait to go home. I am going to spend a few days out in our pasture and see no other humans. Just me and God. However close I think I am, I have always been too far gone for far too long.

I just want to come back into Your presence. Have I even been gone? I have felt You here so strong these past few days. Yet still I long for more of You. I am crying out for You to please, please come and fill me up so full that nothing else matters. I have been struggling. Usually, when I struggle it is because I am far from You. But I have been struggling right here in Your presence. That doesn’t make sense to me. I want You, so why are You holding back from me? You don’t hold back. I reach for You and I can’t get enough of You fast enough. Am I reaching in the wrong places? Please embrace me. I am taking a running leap for You. Please catch me and don’t let me hit the ground again. You’re all I want. You’re all I need. I can’t get enough of You. You are the air I breath. You are all around me and yet I feel as if I’m starving for more of You. I can’t get enough. And its not You. It’s me. I am the limiting factor. I absolutely hate being a flawed human and here’s why. I can only handle so much of You. I can take in only so much of You at once and I always want more, more, more. I am never satisfied. You satisfy, but I am never satisfied with where I am in relation to You. I want to be closer.

God this is so hard for me. I know You want me here. I know what You have for me to do. But I am selfish, and I only want to be with You. I want to be with You completely. Thank You for loving me like You do. I need to focus on loving You back more. Please help me in that.

And I just want to say that You are amazing and that You blow my mind with Your grace and active Love.

I want to learn to play an instrument and write a song about how wonderful You are and perform it in only Your presence.

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