Ya know what? I feel like saying this so I will. CRAP!!!! CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!!!!
My heart is so tender, yet I am so good at acting tough. I am a horrible actor. I can’t lie for nothing. But I practiced acting tough every single day for a long time. More than just the year that Jessie and I were together. And ya know what? Practice makes perfect. I ought to be getting darn close by now.
In a lot of ways I really am tough. Having something between Millie and I is not one of them. That tears me up more than anything I can think of. Still I act tough. Millie, I know you are probably going to be reading this, so pardon the graphics of what I am about to say. I would rather have my nuts in a vice for an hour than have there be something unsettled between us for an hour. Still I act tough.
I get scared when I think I might have to go through psychological punishment if I mess up. It’s not Millie. It is what Jessie conditioned me to do. Its in my subconscious. If you hit somebody, the world might see a bruise and come to their rescue. If you tear them up psychologically, then they cant help but act weird and the world thinks they are weird and avoids them. Been there, done that. I act tough like everything is OK when it isn’t. Instinctive survival skill. At least that way, the rest of the world still treats you like a human.
Dr. Sheafer said that there were a lot of abuse reactions that were playing out in my relationship with Millie. I hate that I can’t offer Millie a virgin heart.
I remember when Millie sneezed once a while ago. I was sitting beside her and as she inhaled to sneeze, I instinctively covered my face because for a fraction of a moment, I thought she was getting ready to break my face. She would not do that. Ever. Rachel used to get really annoyed at me because when we were walking together or hanging out, anytime when she was in striking distance and made a sudden hand motion, I would take a defensive posture to protect myself. Rachel would never hurt me.
But Jessie would. And did. A lot. I don’t know if she even remembers it. She doesn’t “remember” 90% of anything she did to me. Seizures are good excuses to hurt your significant other. Physically, I don’t care. I can handle that. If you try to slap me, I know how to angle my face so that it hurts the least but you still get the satisfaction of a solid blow. That way you don’t have to try again.
Foundation covers bruises and a smile and laugh covers torment.
Millie, I am sorry. You are the last person I need to protect myself from. Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for always working hard to help fix things between us. I love you, and I can’t wait for you to be my wife and to belong to you. You deserve my heart. I just really wanna give it to you right now. All in God’s time.