(un)faithful frustration

I don’t even know how to describe the way I feel. I am so sick and tired of you leaving. It is so hard for me. I honestly don’t know how you can be so emotionless as you depart. My heart felt as if it were ripping in half as you drove away. Only a week and a half left. Millie, if anything ever happened to you, it would kill me.

Sex. A year ago, it was completely disconnected from love in my mind. Now, it seems as if that has done an about face of sorts in my mind. It seems to be a natural part of my expression of love to you. That is good and right in 10 months, but not now. So we make rules and boundaries to make sure that we don’t mess up. Then I completely don’t even think about it at all. How many did I completely disregard today? Lay down while making out with my shirt off. Great. I felt so bad about that. I feel so bad about that. I cried today about it. I feel like I let both you and me down. I am super annoyed with myself. But I wasn’t even thinking about that. I was too caught up in being with you. You’re wonderful, and I can’t get enough of you. I know you struggle. A fat lot of help I was. And then I have to “take a break”. Ridiculous. I shouldn’t even be bumping into that boundary. That’s dangerous. It’s even more dangerous for me because I don’t know how close I am to going too far. It makes me want to puke. Why is this so hard. I hate how it went from easy for me to be with you without wanting to go further to hard at times to be with you incompletely. Oh, and that, “we’re going to have great sex when we are married” comment, what a messed up thing for me to say. That had no place. While we are camping, I need to be extra super careful, because I can’t break those rules again. You mean too much to me.

I saw Chris today. Apparently, he was a the black hole the whole time watching us. I didn’t recognize him until we were like 6 feet from each other. I was surprised and excited to see him and tried to talk to him. All together, I got about 10 words out of him. He just swam away and ignored me. Funny thing about two buttes, because of the rocks, you can hear every word spoken if you are in the right place. Somebody asked him if he knew me. His response: “huh, isn’t it weird how he hangs out with those two little girls?”

And then just before we left, those two college girls. Apparently, one had been watching everything and observing closely. She knew my name, your name, Rebecca and Danielle. Her friend asked, “who is the guy with the mohawk? He’s cute.” “His name is Ben. He is with those three girls. The older one that left is Millie, his girlfriend.” “I’m going to go and talk to him” “What about your boyfriend” “What about him? He’s not here” “I will give you money if you can have a conversation with him” “watch me work my girlish charms” So then she swims over to me on her floaty thing. “cool, I didn’t know you could sit there” “Yeah”, I say, “there’s a ledge here.” “you should come over here with me, there is another rock you can stand on” “I know, I was standing there earlier and a fish bit my foot” “I’m from Springfield, where are you from?” “ I’m from Walsh”. After some more questions and my simple answers, she left and went back to her friend laughed and said “too bad about Millie.”
That bothered me a lot. What do you mean, too bad about Millie. Stop stalking me and my cousins and girlfriend. And you. Be faithful to your boyfriend and stop trying to flirt with me or whatever it is you are trying to do.

It really wasn’t such a big deal, but in addition to the other stuff, it was just adding insult to injury.

So, I guess it would do to say that I am in a bad mood. You left. I am annoyed with myself for not remembering our boundaries, Chris was rude, and I don’t know why, and then those two girls making me into a contest of sorts. And I have another sunburn. Annoying. Our song came on my cd player on the way home, and I couldn’t listen to it because it hurt too much. I hate that you’re gone. And then Grandpa wants to talk to me about you for a long time which makes it even worse. Today, I lose at life. Tomorrow, I get back up and then there is only 9 more days.

God, pretty much this whole day stunk to varying extents. I’m sorry for messing up and getting distracted. I’m sorry for being as upset as I am. Thank You for loving me anyway, no matter how I foul up every good thing. Please help me to stay pure and help me to be a help to Millie as well and not a stumbling block. Please help me to be what You want me to be. Thank you for blessing me and loving me far beyond what I could ever earn or deserve. I love You back.

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One Response to (un)faithful frustration

  1. baby, it hurts when I leave you.  Every time.  I just don’t keep it very close to the surface.  I’m sorry that that hurts you.  And this time, I was ready to get back to get the end of this over with.  I’m done with being apart from you.  It’s not how we were made to be.And it’s not your responsibility to watch out for me.  It’s mine.  How can you hold to a standard you don’t know is there?  I know that the reason you struggle , the reason I struggle is because we love each other, and what better reason to struggle?Ben.  This will all be ok.  I love you.

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