So tonight, I had about the biggest breakdown I have had for a while. Man this has been a tough semester. I have only had one tougher, and I went home for that one. Then again, that one was like 5 times tougher than this. I think I am one of those people who doesn’t show stress as much as it is there. Those closest to me get to see all there is. And that entails me and Millie, sometimes Kita, and sometimes my mom. This is very far from normal.
Dang, I can’t wait to graduate. I wonder how easy life would be if I had someone else paying for my food and school and was only taking 15 or 18 hours with no work and no volunteer stuff. Right now, it sounds kinda nice, but I know I would only want a week of something like that before I was charged up and ready to go again.
After I graduate, I am not going to sign up for a bunch of stuff that requires me to be there. I am going to take time for me and for me to be healthy. I guess this semester, I have spent so much of myself that I have been scraping the bottom of the barrel for myself, in a sense, and it is getting to the point that others are getting bottom of the barrel from me as well.
Seriously, I could care less about spanish right now. All those verb tenses don’t make sense. This past perfect subjunctive stuff. I don’t even know how to make a sentence in english that is past perfect subjunctive because I don’t know what it is. If I had more time, I would look it up on the internet and teach myself, but I don’t. I wind up working more and more. After I graduate, I am going to do my 39 hours a week and then take some time to make sure I am in the best useable form for You and then spend the rest on others in meaningful ways. Not doing stupid homework over stuff I don’t want to learn. I want to do stuff like I used to a year ago. You were using me then.
Just take me back. I don’t want to do anything that You don’t want to do. And maybe You want me here to make me stronger or to show me how much I really need You.
All my stuff is wearing out. It is kind of symbolic. My laptop starts dying, and then I finish it off. Thank You, by the way, for protecting me. My notebook that I have had for 4 years is completely falling to pieces. My back pack zipper died today. My bike chain died. All these things I associate with school are dying, and it is like the fall after the summer. I am looking forward to the cool refreshing of winter.
I have been spending plenty of time with You lately. Or have I? Life used to get hard when I was apart from You, but now it’s hard, and I don’t really feel that far from You. I am just burnt out. So I guess this is where You light the fire again, right? Haha.
Please show me areas of my life that are displeasing to You. I don’t want them there. Why is it so hard to avoid Mcdonalds lately? Is it the stress? I guess I have this idea that after Millie and I get married, that won’t be a struggle.
And thank You for loving me in my strength and my weakness. Thank You for accepting me in my imperfect state. I seriously love You back. Please fill me up, because I am running on a quarter tank at the moment.
So, tomorrow, I am going to work out and stargaze, because both of those things help keep me sane. Thanks for heavy stuff to pick up and thanks for shiny stuff in the sky. J