This is ridiculous. I am sick and tired of touching you in ways that I shouldn’t yet. How did that happen AGAIN? I did it. Why is it impossible for me to just be with you without falling all the way into being with you? I am the most impatient person in the world. I had my mind made up that wasn’t going to happen again. Fat lot of good that did. Same as the other times that I had it made up about the same thing. Part of me says I just want to be married to you so this won’t be a struggle any more. The other part of me says that that is the easy way out. This is a test, and I am just failing miserably right now. I hate this. I hate letting things in that shouldn’t be there yet. It’s like taking biscuits out of the oven before they are done baking. It might help with your hunger, but it would be so much better if you had waited a few more minutes or months in this case. I guess I kind of feel like I am disrespecting you, too. Not usually, but I woke up this morning feeling like that. There shouldn’t even be a “usually”. I am so utterly annoyed at myself, and I’m surprised that you aren’t angry with me as well. I’m sorry. I am so sorry you have to deal with this part of me. Hopefully, I can find some freaking self control somewhere and you won’t have to deal with my nonsense. Grrr
I’m so, so sorry, and I don’t know what else to say. I need forgiveness from both of you. I’ll try to do better.