Multiple choice (D.)

Stuff I do

When I am stressed:

Change the subject so it is not about me


Binge on chocolate

Become overly reliant on myself

Find a way not to be around people who care


I did: all of the above


Stuff I should do

When I am stressed:

Play little spoon with you

Wear camo in the woods or black in the dark for a while

Drive my truck

Talk about it with you

Eat something good for me

Shut my phone off


I did: one of the above


Tomorrow will be better, hopefully. Stupid.


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Well, I called Maria today to buy the car, and it turns out that she sold it at 2:00am this morning. Which was really weird because I woke up at 2:00 am and suddenly had a feeling that it had been sold. So I told her that if the buyers backed out to give me a call, and I would buy it. I guess I am pretty at peace about the whole thing, though. If it works out, then good, and if not, then I guess that’s God saying no. And as much as I like that car, I would be OK with that.

I changed the fuel pump in my truck today, and that feels really good. Also I have been running, and it feels good to work out a bit, too, although a mile a day is not much compared to whatever is usual. I am super excited about the house and lofts in the house. I talked to Martin, and we are gonna turn on the electricity soon. And I went to Harbor freight today, (they didn’t have paint brushes, so we will just get them from walmart) and looked at wood working tools. For less than $200, I can have brand new tools of just about everything I would need for the house. That includes a power miter saw, a power drill, a power circular saw, and a power sawsall. It might sound like a lot, but they are really nice and would cost $100 a piece from anywhere else. I think it is a good investment. Especially if we are going to do a lot of woodwork. Micasita was sure good today. I’m not really looking forward to getting up at 6:00 am tomorrow. Especially not to eating yellow poop.

Man I got a lot to do at work. But, thank God I am on hourly rather than salary, cause when I got my 39 hours in, I am going home! Haha

And as much as I miss you and making out with you, it sure feels good to know that we have been good for a couple of days in a row.

Hey girl. I love you. 3 months and 4 days. Beautiful. There is nobody I would rather be with.


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Today was a huge day. I got up at 6 and did stuff till I went to eat with you till 5. I really haven’t gotten to spend enough time with you lately. I miss getting to spend time just you and me at the end of the day with no distractions so we can talk through what went on in our days. I miss praying with you and studying the bible with you.

I spent a lot of money today… well, when you consider how much of it will be paid back, I only spent about $150, and I will make $170 profit from all the gloves I got (it sure paid to wait till a fantastic sale), so I really came out ahead, even after buying a valentine’s day present and a backpack so you could have my old one. I bought a $45 part for my truck that it has been needing since August of last year. Man, poor Meria doesn’t get any money spent on her at all. At least she is cheap.

I got just the backpack I wanted today. I have wanted that backpack for the past 4 years, but couldn’t justify spending $60 on it just so I could have a nice backpack. Now, here it is 4 years later, and I have it, and it was $11 cheaper than it was 4 years ago. I was surprised the Army surplus still had it.

I was just thinking this morning how ridiculous it is how cheaply I live. Before today, I can’t remember the last time within a year I spent money on something solely because I and I alone wanted it. After having said that, I will remember something of that nature that happened just last week. Actually, I do remember something. I bought a can of spray paint last summer. Haha ridiculous. It kinda felt good to buy that backpack just because I wanted it. Even though it was almost $50, it kind of felt like I was taking care of myself in a way that had been neglected for quite some time. Kind of like I was telling myself that I wasn’t dead last on the list of priorities. I wonder if I will feel guilty about it later.

So last night, after you left, I borrowed Aimee’s facebook and looked up Jessie to see if she was still around or if she had moved away. She’s still here in longview. I wonder why I haven’t seen her for a while. It is nice how she concerns me less and less. You looking up Abby made me think about that. Boy howdy, what a mess that was. I sure am glad I’m out of that. Thanks for letting God use you to help heal me.

And I love you, and it was really nice to be able to give you all that money today. I miss you, and I wish we got to be together more. Today is 99 days. Friday is one year with you. Without question, the best year of my life. Thank you so much for choosing me and loving me back.


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hear and there

Man I hate being apart from you. You are so good to me, and I really feel like I don’t deserve it sometimes. I feel so bad for my dad, too. When I called him tonight, he cried on the phone twice, and he never does that. I miss him soo much, and I want to be there for him. I didn’t sleep good last night, and I am still upset over yesterday.  I am not looking forward to waking up at 6am tomorrow. I spent several hours today doing nothing except for sitting on the couch staring out the window and thinking stuff through. I wish we were married. And that is not just so that the sex stuff would cease to be an issue. I belong with you and this living 10 miles apart from each other ain’t cutting the mustard. I want to take you to dinner and a movie tomorrow, but I know that Wednesday is a bad day because there is floor devo’s and such. Do you think you could skip them and come on a date with me instead?

Gordon is coming home tomorrow, so I cleaned the house today. I put you sewing stuff all together. Sleeping beside you while you watched the movie last night is probably one of my favorite things.



So I just had a couple of pages typed and Gordon’s computer froze and lost all but this part which was autosaved.


I am going to call you just before I go to bed because I miss you like crazy and I want to hear your voice.

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This is ridiculous. I am sick and tired of touching you in ways that I shouldn’t yet. How did that happen AGAIN? I did it. Why is it impossible for me to just be with you without falling all the way into being with you? I am the most impatient person in the world. I had my mind made up that wasn’t going to happen again. Fat lot of good that did. Same as the other times that I had it made up about the same thing. Part of me says I just want to be married to you so this won’t be a struggle any more. The other part of me says that that is the easy way out. This is a test, and I am just failing miserably right now. I hate this. I hate letting things in that shouldn’t be there yet. It’s like taking biscuits out of the oven before they are done baking. It might help with your hunger, but it would be so much better if you had waited a few more minutes or months in this case. I guess I kind of feel like I am disrespecting you, too. Not usually, but I woke up this morning feeling like that. There shouldn’t even be a “usually”. I am so utterly annoyed at myself, and I’m surprised that you aren’t angry with me as well.  I’m sorry. I am so sorry you have to deal with this part of me. Hopefully, I can find some freaking self control somewhere and you won’t have to deal with my nonsense. Grrr



I’m so, so sorry, and I don’t know what else to say. I need forgiveness from both of you. I’ll try to do better.

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Breathing normally

Yesterday was amazing and today is looking like it is going to be just as good. I don’t even have to come to school today. All I do is some work on the internet.

It is so nice to be back in Texas. I still feel like I am figuring out what normal is supposed to be here. I guess this is kind of like my first day when graduating really paid off, being the first day of classes and all.

Today, I am going to exercise, clean my room, cook, do work on the computer, and probably play lego’s. I’ll probably go visit the neighbors, too. It’s like I am breathing normally, except that it doesn’t feel normal yet.



You are what I miss though. I am already missing knowing that I won’t have a class that is randomly timed so that as soon as I get out of it, I can rush over to your class in hopes of catching your dismissal and seeing you for 5 minutes as I walk you to your next class. It was nice to get to hold your hand last night during the movie and let you lean on my shoulder, but #1 it wasn’t long enough and #2 we didn’t really get to talk. I wanted to hear how your day went. If I had known you were going to Dallas, I would have wanted to go with you guys to pick up Vanessa. It’s not just talking to you that I miss, talking about life is a poor substitute for what we’ve gotten to do for the past month. And that is to live life together. I belong with you, and life won’t be normal till I am with you.

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So, yesterday, Kita, Maggard, and I celebrated my finishing of classes at Letourneau. That was a huge milestone for me, and I am super glad to be done. My mom called me to wish me congratulations and then we went to the theater and watched “tangled”, which is a very good movie, I might add. 8 out of 10. We went and ate, had a walmart run including basket races in the parking lot, and finished off the night/morning with stargazing. I don’t think I have ever seen so many shooting stars in such a short time period. There was one especially bright one that went across the sky for a longer time than usual, and when that happened, it felt like God was giving me a thumbs up. Basically, it was amazing and the perfect way to close out this chapter of my life.

I’m excited to see what He has for me in the next one.

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